The Nadesico Gag Files: 'Call Center Blues'
by Author0fntent
Summary: When three of the Nadesico's ace pilots are benched due to injury, they get assigned to one of the more mundane duties aboard the ship.


*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Xebec or NBC Universal.*

It was another day in the lengthy Earth-Jovian war, and Aestivalis pilots Ryoko Subaru, Izumi Maki, and Hikaru Amano had been laid up from a prior battle with, respectively, a broken leg, a broken arm, and an injured shoulder. As expected by their commanding officers, the three were very reluctant to be sidelined.

Ryoko: C'mon, isn't there any way we can be useful around here, captain?

Yurika: Well...There is one duty you three can handle till you're fully recovered. Mr. Prospector?

Prospector: Say no more, I'll reserve slots for them in the call center.

Hikaru: Wait, we have a call center?

Prospector: Yes-we perform double duty for NERGAL as a hub for customer support on their sales end.

Soon the three Aestivalis pilots were set up at desks with phones and headsets. The three chatted away between calls. Feeling a bit embarrassed, they decided on utilizing aliases to protect their identities (and their reputations).

Hikaru: This is SO not what I signed up for when this war started.

Izumi: I hear ya-I didn't expect to be _phoning it in_ as a pilot. *SNICKER*

Ryoko and Hikaru: *UGH* **BOOOO**.

Ryoko: Way to REALLY twist the knife, Izumi.

Hikaru: I mean really-we trained for months to pilot super-advanced mech suits, we get into ONE scrape, and now we're desk-jockeys until-[*phone rings*]-hold on a minute...[Hikaru pressed a button while lowering her headset mic and started speaking with a very straitlaced cadence.]...Good morning, you've reached customer service, my name is Alice, how may I help you today?...Mm-hmmm...Okay, please stay on the line, sir, while I put you through to a manager. Thank you. [She then proceeded to hang up.] Man, I thought I was getting away from jobs like these when I enlisted. This is like my after-school gig at the mall all over again.

Ryoko: Makes me glad I liked my time as a lifeguard back then-least I got plenty of fresh air.

Izumi: I dunno, not every one is that bad-I was a regular of open mic night at this beat-style coffee house for a long time. Slammed a lot of poetry back then-*phone rings*-just a sec...[Izumi lowered her mic and pressed the answer button, and started speaking with a total Valley girl-esque voice]...Customer service, this is Rosa speaking. How can I, like, help you out this afternoon?...Uh, SHYEAH, that bracelet is like, totally authentic sapphire with a genuine platinum trim. Oh-kay, you like, have a great day too yourself! Buh-bye! [She then hung up.] It's where I fell in love with Kerouac's words.

Ryoko: That doesn't explain the punning. I mean, when'd you get into that BEFORE you lost Gen? It's gotta come from somewhere-*phone rings*-hold up...[Ryoko lowered her mic and pressed her button, while donning an almost-British 'prim and proper' voice]...It is a lovely Thursday morning, this is Gwendolyn, how can I assist you today?...Yes indeed, miss, that is quite the lovely choice. Personally, I have that very same one in my den. Right then, I'll just put you through-right then, goodbye now. [She then hung up.] MAN, how do they do this for a living?

Hikaru: Know the feeling all too well. A lot of my school friends did the same thing. At this point I'd rather go through basic training again.

Izumi: Try being a shepherd in the highlands sometime-shows you how much of a _mutton for punishment_ you are. *Giggles*

Ryoko and Hikaru: *GROAN* **Not again**...

Ryoko's phone rung again, causing her to lower her mic.

Ryoko: Good day, this is customer service...Ah, thank you very much for leaving such positive feedback for me, miss. Allow me to remind you that there is a short 5-minute survey [Her train of thought was interrupted by the sound of a phone hanging up on the other end.]-THAT B!+*#! She hung up on me!

Izumi: Someone's got a major _hang-up_ there. *SNICKERS*

Ryoko: I mean come on, is it that unbearable to take a 5-minute survey? REALLY?

Hikaru: YEAH! If I get one more good review, I'll get a two-day shore leave pass, and some of these customers are making it hard.

Izumi's phone then rang, which she then answered, donning her Valley girl voice once again.

Izumi: OH-WOW! Are you still on hold? So sorry for like, inconveniencing you. TOTAL bummer. Your call's very important to us, I mean REALLY major, so please be patient and we'll like, totally get on it. Thank you! [Hangs up.] Holding's gotta be the worse. Like the Petty man once said, the waiting is the hardest part.

Ryoko and Hikaru: **AY-MEN**.

It was at that moment that Mr. Prospector walked in.

Mr. Prospector: Hello, ladies-are you all doing well?

Ryoko: Yeah, except there's this guy on line 2 wanting to speak to a manager...

Mr. Prospector: No worries, I will handle this one. [Mr. Prospector then picked up a headset and pressed the answer button, donning a voice akin to Phil Hartman.] Hi there, I'm Raymond the manager, what can I help you with?...Hmm, I see, I'm so sorry you were dissatisfied with your cheese-of-the-month club membership. Personally, it's opened me up to a number of new culinary tastes. Now then, if I could just get your order information, we should be able to resolve this quickly...

*Author's Note*  
This particular piece is inspired by a sketch from the May 5th, 2018 episode of _Saturday Night Live_, hosted by Donald Glover. In the original sketch, he, Chris Redd, and Kenan Thompson play three prison inmates working a job at the maximum security facility as call center operators. Trust me, it's a really funny sketch. Funny enough that I decided to do a Nadesico-inspired spin on the premise.


End file.
